Penatnya tanda assignment. Cuti seminggu ni tak macam cuti pun. Dahla gua demam and selsema. Tired all the time.

Despite that, I tried to have my weekly walk at the park somewhere in KL (lokasi =rahsia, walaupun aku tau aku takde stalker ngeeh ngeh ngeh). I would never jog coz my right foot hurts and I don’t want any of my body parts to jiggle unnecessarily. I love to walk because it’s the only ‘me’ time that I actually enjoy doing.

Yesterday, I’ve decided to walk. I put on my sneakers, my black long sleeve shirt, my black pants and my blue-ish tudung and drove to the park. I put on my MP3 player (yelah aku ketinggalan zaman, orang lain semua pakai iPod) and walked. There were not many young Malay ladies there, kalau young Malay guys lagila…darjah ke’rare’an dia sama macam frekuensi suami aku basuh pinggan. Yang paling ramai kat situ adalah family and old chinese couples and their friends buat Tai Chi. Ada some of them yang jalan-jalan macam aku jugak.

So aku pun casually jalan sambil dengar lagu Faizal Tahir (ni AJL punya pasal la ni, tak pasal2 aku suka Faizal Tahir yang ada krisis identiti tu, mufti Perlis dulu pernah  cakap dia ni tak sure dia nak jadi manusia ke nak jadi Superman sebab dia pernah buka baju tayang dada ada lambang Superman dulu tu…).

Sambil dengar lagu and berangan-angan bestnya kalau ada orang nyanyi lagu ni kat aku….

…tiba-tiba aku ternampak sesuatu.

Sesuatu yang aku tak patut tengok.

Sesuatu yang aku tak patut nampak.

Sesuatu yang aku tak hingin nampak tapi tertengok.

It was a woman.

Walking on the jogging path.

Her feet touched the earth (Alhamdulillah, she’s a human).

She wore a t-shirt.

She wore a knee-length pants (again, Alhamdulillah).

But something was missing.

Before you guys start sending me a message asking for the name of the park, let me tell you that she was not a young woman with perky organs.

She was an Ah So.

Aiyyo…please la aku bukan pervert ok, bukan aku saja tengok tapi kalau dah pakai t-shirt nipis kaler cerah macam tu and jalan kaki laju-laju, it’s so obvious la. And I had to act nonchalant for a minute because we were about to cross path. I guess at that age, they just give up wearing bra altogether. And mind you that was not the first time I saw braless Ah So walking at the park, dah beberapa kali jugakla.

I got a headache after I got back from the park.

Last Sunday was my 28th birthday.

Thanks to Sue, Yati and Suzanna for the wonderful lunch that we had at De’ Chiangmai Restaurant, for the thoughtful gifts and for the fattening, yummy & happiness-inducing Baskin Robbins cake. Needless to say it was one of the best birthday celebrationS I’ve ever had. Thanks gals!

Thanks for all the birthday wishes too!

And thanks to hubby for the wonderful gift.

It’s so funny that I’ve turned 28 because this is the first time I actually realize that I’m still in my 20’s. I thought I’ve reached my thirties years ago. Honestly. Sebab tu aku tak marah bila budak2 panggil aku ‘makcik’ kat pasar.

In other words - I felt old.

Ever since I got married and had my precious Adam, I’ve always acted and felt old (not necessarily matured). The focal point of my life is my family, and also my students. I no longer focus on my career development, my appearance and my own life. I don’t feel like a woman; I feel like a mother. I feel guilty of having to stay back at work to do my dissertation, although my brain works best in the evening. It’s so hard to juggle family life and work. Seriously, I have no idea how my lecturers & my friends who’ve studied overseas managed to complete their thesis on time, with children and all… I suspect less blogging, more work.

As I approached my 28th birthday, I realized I’ve become one of them ; women who let themselves go.

Before I got married, I’ve always wanted to wear nice clothes at home for my hubby (and for me), but since I got a maid i felt that it’s a bit inappropriate. I’ve settled for my kaftans. Same thing in life. I’ve always settled for something less; I just don’t have the energy, the spirit and the confidence anymore. People tend to judge you if you are a married woman and a mother. Having a ‘ME’ time is like a sin. That’s why women tend to drift apart from their girlfriends after they got married. I mean, I’m lucky enough to have a maid to look after my children when I’m away but the guilty feeling is still there. You know la, nanti orang tanya “Ni keluar makan dengan kawan-kawan ni suami tak marah ke? Anak-anak sapa jaga?”. Ish ish ish… Bad wife. Bad mother. Nak letak muka sendiri kat FB or Frenster pun rasa guilty. Nak kena letak gambar anak-anak baru rasa proper. *sigh*. You see? I’m acting old kan?

But I’m thankful for my family and friends. I wouldn’t trade them for anything else in this world. It’s just me. I’ve got to have that ‘anjakan paradigma’ towards my own life.

Screw the maid - I’m wearing my shorts from now on.

SELAMAT MENYAMBUT MAAL HIJRAH

AND

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Late dinner. Dining room. Tinggal me and Adam tengah makan kaki kambing yang rupanya macam kaki Mr. Tumnus from Narnia.

I was having a conversation with Adam. He was telling me about his trip to KB, how he met a distant relative whom he really likes. Her name was Alia and she’s 3 years older than him.

Me    : Adam suka kat Kak Alia ke?

Adam: Mummy, Adam nak bisik kat telinga mummy.

Me   : Ok Adam bisik kat mummy.

He moved closer to me.

Adam : Mummy, sebenarnya Adam nak mummy.

Me    : (terharu….) Auww…Adam sayang mummy ke? Mummy pun sayang Adam jugak….

Adam: Taklah mummy, Adam nak makan Mamee kat belakang mummy tu.

You all know how I felt, right?

Had a blast last night with Yutty and Sue. Maklumlah my life ni takde la happening, so a night at Wendy’s is considered as ‘wild’ la tu and pagi tadi kira ada hangover la tu bila tak larat nak bangun and sakit2 kepala sikit.

Before I forget…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SUE!!!

Sweet err, 24. Hehehe!

I went to see a dentist this morning, she was highly recommended in a forum. For the first time in my life, I hardly felt any pain. Gila bagus dia ni. So gentle and cool…. The last time I had my tooth extracted was in primary school. It wasn’t a good experience, and my previous dentist was not really good. Membebel aje kerja dia - about how our society refuse to see dentist bla bla bla… scalling pun bukan thorough sangat. Sebab tu la orang taknak jumpa kau! Anyway my wisdom tooth needed to be extracted because it was jamming my other tooth, dulu aku nak buat kat KB dentist tu tak boleh buat because takde X-ray and risky, kat sini senang aje dia buat on the spot. Gigi bawah kena x-ray dulu, later kena remove and buat minor surgery. Gigi aku dah rapat2 sangat, because I still have all 32 teeth in place. Now I have 31, next year nanti 30. I must confess I still feel nervous everytime I see a dentist - the four-times trips to the ladies proved it.

Cant help but wondering why my 8-month old son still haven’t got any tooth yet? Normal ke tuh? Hmmm….

Till next time,

You know how some people think that they know us but they don’t?

For example:

1. When somebody ask you a question, she/he would answer it for you (memandai-mandai), and it’s a wrong answer. Excuse me, if I want anybody to speak on my behalf I’ll hire someone who has a good communication skill. So shut up.

2. People who would pretend to ask you a question but they had already made up their mind on what the answer should be. Contohnya:

Orang tu: Kenapa you quit TKC dulu?

Aku: Sebab…..

Orang tu: Alaa homesick la tu, memang homesick. Toksah cakap la, you homesick. Homesick homesick homesick bla bla bla….

OR in another situation:

Orang tu:  Kenapa miss flight balik KB hari tu?

Aku: Sebab…..

Orang tu: Alaa ni mesti semua yang nak naik plane tu bangun lambat, tak sembahyang Subuh belaka (and then forward it to everybody else so that everybody would believe the statement. TWICE.)

I mean, seriously, why bother asking me if you had already made up you freaking mind?

Pada dua minggu yang lepas, saya telah menghantar adik saya ke lapangan terbang Subang kerana beliau ingin pulang ke Kota Bharu menaiki Firefly.

Ketika beliau sedang duduk-duduk sambil bermain handphone, ada seorang lelaki menegur beliau seraya berkata:

“Fuh. Ni first time saya naik kapal terbang orang lain yang bawak. Biasanya saya bawak sendiri.”

Huh?

“Oh.. saya pilot kat TUDM.”

Ooh. OK.

Selepas itu, lelaki itu terus bercerita mengenai kapal terbang dan hal2 sewaktu dengannya.

Cerita-cerita itu sungguh mengelirukan adik saya dan membuat beliau terasa bohjan bohsan. Mungkin dia berpendapat bahawa kerjayanya dicemburui ramai dan semua orang berminat untuk mendengar penerangan  yang tidak diundang mengenai enjin dan sayap mengenai kapal terbang Tentera Udara Malaysia sebagaimana syoknya rakyat Malaysia mendengar penerangan Sheikh Muzaffar mengenai angkasa lepas.

Lelaki itu juga menawarkan diri untuk duduk di sebelah adik saya dalam kapal terbang fokker itu, tetapi adik saya  cuma kata boleh blah la mamat poyo senyum sahaja kerana tidak sampai hati berterus-terang dengan lelaki tersebut.

Ish..ish..ish…

POYO sungguh pick up line dia..Ni mesti tak pernah baca blog saya nih…

I’m so stressed out.

Dah lama aku tak tension macam ni…

Tension gilaaa!

Sekian, terima kasih.

Ok dah dah gi sambung kerja nuh….

Several weeks ago, aku bangun pagi and hantar Adam turun ke tingkat bawah sebab nak suruh dia mandi before gi school. Tiba-tiba maid aku bagitahu :

“Ibu, saya nak nikah.”

Gulp.

Apa dia? Aku dahla tengah mamai lagi ni…apakah aku sedang bermimpi satu mimpi buruk di pagi yang hening ini?

“Kamu nak kawin dengan sapa?”

Dia kata dgn pakwe dia yg dia kenal kat rumah boss lama dia dulu. Pastu nak mintak balik 2 minggu sekali ke rumah kongsi balak dia after dah kawin.

“Hari tu saya bagi kamu pakai handphone kamu dah janji takkan ada boyfriend etc, sekarang lain pulak cerita.”

Pastu aku nampak muluit dia gerak2 tapi aku tak pasang telinga apa dia cakap because those words are just shit.

“Takpe, nanti saya bincang dgn bapak dulu.”

Every moring after that she would harrass me whether aku dah discuss dgn Nazri ke belum, siap hantar SMS lagi kat aku bila aku tak layan dia. Dia cakp nak gi Shah Alam weekend tu nak bincang dgn boyfren, and dia nak duit gaji dia. Aku kena call agent, call mak ayah dia kat Indon, call boss lama dia (sebab nak clarify some stories). Ada ke dia bgth agent aku bagi permission dia utk kawin, pastu dia bagth aku yang agent kata dia boleh quit after one year kerja. B***H ( if you can fill in the *** it can be 2 different words).

Jumaat petang tu after confirm dgn agent aku (agent aku kena ‘basuh’ dia dulu), aku pulak ‘basuh’ dia. Pokoknya aku bgth kalau nak balik, kena byr gantirugi. If nak kerja, no more HP.

Esok pagi dia kata “ok buk, ‘abang’ (UWEK!) kata kerja dulu lepas 2 tahun kontrak baru kawin.”

Ok la, settle. HP surrendered.

Pagi tadi dia bagitahu nak call mak dia kat Indon. Pastu dok meleleh-leleh cakap ‘abang’ (ptui!) ada perempuan lain. Mula2 orang lain cakap dia tak percaya, bila adik lelaki tu sendiri yg cakap baru dia percaya.

KAN AKU DAH CAKAP KAT KAU! NASIB BAIK KO BELUM KAWIN DENGAN DIA!

“Tapi Buk, Atik nak minta telefon, mau cakap dgn mak adik bla bla bla…”

Silence. Dalam hati aku tak reti-reti lagi ke dia ni!

“Kamu telefon mama kamu. Pukul 10am kejap lagi saya akan telefon kamu, kamu kena buat keputusan mahu kerja sama saya lagi ke tak.”

10 am. Mama dia suruh balik tenangkan fikiran.

Baliklah nkau. I’VE HAD ENOUGH!

Kena cari bibik baru pulak…tension betul otak aku…

Yesterday the faculty had a meeting with our new VC.

Suffice to say that we all very really truly officially became the slave to the THES ranking….

The VC said his only KPI is to ensure that UM is in the top 200 within the next 2 years and later in top 100.

Everybody must have a PhD, conduct world-class research and publish in top journals.

Social responsibility? What is it? Uh uh not important coz the nothing is mentioned about it the THES ranking criteria.

Your students? Huh, what about your students? Yeah yeah be an excellent teacher whatever, just make sure you do your research between classes and meetings and marking and filling in your ISO forms and ‘retreat’ and seminars and conferences and workshops. and don’t forget to write about your research. Apa, susah sangat ke nak menulis artikel and buku?

Must recruit the First Class students as our staff because we believe that they can do better research than those who got 2nd Class Upper and joined various activities. Never mind if they don’t mingle with other people or they are bad teachers or used to be so kiasu when they were students - we want them!

The point is this : To hell with everything else. MUST IMPROVE OUR RANK.

*sigh*

Was utterly disappointed. Have never been THIS disappointed about UM before. Never thought we are supposed to be THIS shallow. Where is the spirit?

Maybe I should also migrate to Australia soon…