Dah sebulan my late grandpa meninggal dunia. I still feels like he’s still alive and just going somewhere else for a while. Still cry occassionally between typing out my dissertation.

A normal question that ppl would ask after losing someone we love is : "what would I do if that person is still around now?" And a very sad answer would include the word "many". So many things that i could have done, but i did not. Do I feel crushed? Yes, maybe I do. The lesson I’ve learnt is - always give your best, and do it now.

My dissertation is way past my due date, which was last month, just before my grandpa passed away. I’ve postponed its submission, twice.It has been a year since I’ve registered for my studies (yes my original term dah expired already), and another very important thing I’ve learnt along the way is not to stop doing my work when the ideas are flowing. Believe me, it doesn’t come too often. Rarely. And it does not help that those ideas choose to reveal itselves at last minute (like one day before the due date, duh!). I’ve always wondered that if I haven’t gone back to KB early puasa last month, I might have finished the chapter on time and won’t have to struggle to finish it, like now (it’s 3.20am in the morning). But that was the only time that Nazri could drive back to KB during puasa, so I guessed "why not?". As it turned out, it was probably the best decision I’ve ever made in my whole life. The fact that I was able to buka puasa with my late grandpa, kissed his hands before I went back to KL, and left Adam there to spend some time with my family including my late grandpa, gladdened me. Of course, there are many "if only" points lingering on my mind, but there is nothing that I can do to change that now. The best thing to do is to apply the "if only"s situations to my loved ones who are still around.

Yes, I have to work very hard just to finish this first draft of my fourth chapter, but the delay is worth it. The next chapter is due in December. It won’t be easy since the little menace will be around this time. Yup I’m picking him up (dgn my maid) this Friday, will be back on Sunday. Oh how Nazri and I miss Adam very much!!! Since I’ve discovered (another discovery,hhmmm..) that it is almost impossible to do my work when I can feel the aura of his existence around me, I have to relocate my computer and some materials from the living room to my bedroom, which is already a bit too crowded. I can’t put it in the guest room because the guest room is the guest room. No choice laa…

Another thing that I’m always wondering is what if I’ve chosen to go for the half coursework, half dissertation instead of doing this ‘crappy’ full dissertation??? Then, I discovered (a discovery, again)that I’ve taken a year to learn some useful things in order to do a dissertation. I wish I’ve known some of these useful stuff BEFORE I began my studies. Well, better late than never I guess. It is true though, that all these experiences will come very, very handy if I choose to do a Ph.D later, insya-Allah. Just pray that I pass my LLM, first. Takuuuutttnyer……

As I was doing some research on the internet (for my
dissertation of course), I came across an article in the Sun. It was a very
interesting reading and when I scrolled down, I found out that the writer is
actually my deputy dean, Assc. Prof. Dr. Azmi (or Encik Azmi whe called him)
who’s also an environmental law lecturer. He’s a very nice man with a laidback character,
and all students love him. Most students always aim to be in his class,
including me. In his class, everyone can speak their mind unlike in most classes. Dr. Azmi is a bit of a rebel (he has a beautiful, shiny LONG hair in
resemblance of the hair in Pantene advertisements) and can be a bit sarcastic
at times, but who can blame him – just look at our society, and university. His
article (http://www.sun2surf.com/article.cfm?id=11948)
criticizes UM’s err, poor management and the over-boasting of being in the 89^th
place in the last year without analyzing the ways to improve our ranking in the
THES ratings. As we all know, UM dropped to no. 169 this year. It wouldn’t be so
bad if UM didn’t sing its own praises by putting flyers at every lamppost available
and put up big billboards around the campus to make sure that everyone notices
this achievement. Looks like UM has to pay the price for dropping from its previous
spot now.

Dr. Azmi offered several useful tips and suggestions on how
to improve UM as a good university. However, the most interesting and true
remark that he made is this:

The hard fact of the matter is that,
by and large, our graduates do not have the sort of qualities that would make
overseas employers want them, nor do our graduates have the qualities to go out
beyond the coconut shell to offer their services to the world.
This is because Malaysian public universities treat
students like children.

Oh how true!!! Sebenarnya, bukan universit di Malaysia sahaja yang treat students macam budak-budak, tapi rakyat Malaysia secara keseluruhannya. I still remember when I was residing the newly finished 12^th
College. Pada satu malam, ada 2 lelaki ketuk pintu bilik. Bayangkan, I wasn’t
ready and pakaian pun tidak berapa sopan. Bila aku tanya diorang tu sapa dengan
suara yang sungguh lemah lembut, lelaki yang muda sikit tu tengking aku!! Dia
kata “awak tak kenal sapa dia?!!! (sambil pointing his stupid finger to the
older man)” Lepas tu dia membebel2 siap celik bijik mata macam nak tercabut
keluar dari soket mata dia. Rupa2nya lelaki tua tu PEMANGKU pengetua kolej.
Lepas tu siap ugut2 nak keluarkan aku and my roommate from that college,
macamlah kolej tu dia yang punya. The younger one was one of the penyelia. Berlagak
nak mampus. The best part is bila kitorang masuk kolej yang baru siap tu, diorang
dah siap ada ‘angkatan’ students yang jadi tukang ampu/bodek penyelia and
berazam nak pegang semua jawatan di kolej untuk control hidup semua orang lain.
Bila aku tanya apasal takde tukang cuci toilet kat kolej, diorang kata kena
pandai2 la bersihkan bilik air pastu siap buat duty roaster paksa students cuci
bilik air, sedangkan every college patut ada pekerja yang buat semua tuh. Bayangkan,
itu baru politik kat kolej.

 
I lived outside UM before – at the stupid, overpriced Pandu Puteri building
outside gate UM yang menghala ke KL/Bangsar. Makhluk-makhluk yang kerja kat situ laaagggi
bangang. Mentang-mentanglah most of the tenants there are students,
makhluk-makhluk tu buat undang-undang sesuka hati, kemudian dia sendiri yang
langgar sesuka hati, lepas tu kick out orang sesuka hati. Nama aje Pandu
Puteri, tapi diorang hidup macam orang takde panduan langsung. Samalah tu dari
ketua diorang sampailah ke pembantu ofis, perangai orang biadab yang suka
salahkan students just because we were students. Pastu mulalah pakai formula
kononnya ORANG TUA SENTIASA BETUL, ORANG MUDA/STUDENTS SENTIASA SALAH. Pada
aku, kalau dah tua kerepot ala ‘rumah kata pergi kubur kata mari’ tapi perangai
jahat, hati busuk dan suka memfitnah orang, takde maknanya berapa banyak birthday
yang dia celebrate. Tak bermakna kalau kita muda, maka apa yang kita cakap atau
buat tu semuanya salah belaka. Orang-orang kat situ memang aku tak akan maaf
sampai mati atas apa yang diorang telah buat. Aku berdoa biar Allah sahaja yang
balas perbuatan mereka, dengan hukuman di akhirat kelak. Orang-orang lain aku boleh
maafkan, tapi mereka kat situ terlalu buruk perangai mereka. Cikgu kat MRSM aku
cakap (cikgu Disdi to those who know her), staf Pandu Puteri kat situ memang selalu cari hal sejak cikgu aku
belajar di UM zaman 70-an lagi, can you imagine that??? That place is cursed
with bad people. Cursed…

It is so true that we students were treated like a bunch of
small kids. At UM, we were constantly ‘blackmailed’ by UM. Cannot do this….cannot
do that…sign surat akujanji…kena
undi parti ni masa pilihanraya…bla..blaa..bla..and the consequence kalau
langgar is of course kena kick from the university. Memang susah nak berkembang
kalau belajar di local university. Sebab tu, most students tak heran dengan
pilihanraya ataupun berebut-rebut nak jadi wakil pelajar, sebab sekarang semua
itu tak ada makna. Kalau ada masuk pun, sebab nak letak benda tu dalam resume’,
and most so-called ‘pemimpin pelajar’ tu tak berkaliber langsung. Bukan kat UM
sahaja, tapi di mana-mana universiti. Sorry if it’s too harsh, but it’s true.
The students’ representative council doesn’t have a real purpose besides
occasionally protest for the delay in releasing the students’ PTPTN money. Even
if a good student with good leadership quality becomes a student rep, there’s almost nothing he or she can do. I’m not being pessimistic, I’m just telling the truth. Our hands are tied and the university is so
determined to sack any individual who disputes their authority, just to serve
as a warning to others.

 
With all these things going on in out society, who can blame
the students for not being able to speak with confidence and voice out their
opinion? Who can blame them for not being able to protest for every single new ridiculous
rule being legislated to control them? Who can blame them for slouching (maklumlah dulu zaman
sekolah bawak beg galas 20 kilo-30 kilo sehari sebab tiap2 hari kena bawak
dictionary 5 kilo dan cikgu tak bagi tinggal buku-buku bawah meja sebab takut
buku kena curi sebab kerajaan tak nak sediakan loker sebab nak jimatkan bajet
kementerian pendidikan nak buat apa ntah apa-apa…)???

It is a wonder why the authority keeps on wondering…

I’ve been tagged by Babyripp. Hmm…why not. So, here
goes…

Se7en things that (will) scare me:
1. My own death
2. Death of my loved ones
3. Having a
very, very bad human living with my family (the experience is ending…hopefully)
4. Going to the
dentist who couldn’t stop blabbering about how our society is not taking good care of their teeth and not
seeing the dentist enough (and I don’t blame the society for not seeing him)
5. Syringe with shiny needle
6. My weight
7. Watching my son sick (like right now)

Se7en things I like the most:
1. My family
2. Pretending
that I understand and can speak in Javanese in front of my sister’s rude maid. Serve
her right.
3. Ice cream. Chocolate ice cream. A pint of Ben &
Jerry’s or Haagen Dazs will do.
4. Hearing the
sound of the door bell and my hubby’s screaming "Da! Bukak pintu!! I dah
balik!"
5. Listening to my son’s laughter
6. Good sitcoms
7. Seeing the
smile on other people’s face when I give them something they like or do them a
favour

Se7en most important things in my room :
1. My bed
2. My handphone
3. My aircond remote control
4. My spec or contact lenses
5. My kain sembahyang
6. My screaming alarm clock
7. My son and my hubby

Se7en random facts about me:
1. I get extremely angry whenever I hear about any injustice being done,
especially to poor people   and to my family members. I’ll become a ‘psycho’ (as
my hubby calls it) for a while.
2. I hate lazy people who uses other people to do their job. I especially hate lazy +
rude maids.
3. Sometimes after experiencing a very
hectic/tiring/depressing day, I’ll pretend to smoke for several minutes (no
cigarette or fire involved). But I hate cigarette and their smokers!!
4. I’m extremely ‘wild’ and become a badut at my house, but
other people have never seen this side of me. Not even my close friends.
5. I hate stupid drivers. Stupid stupid stupid..
6. I still can’t believe that I have a child. I’m still
shocked by the whole experience *gasp*
7. I hate netball. I have a broken front tooth and several
kuku kaki tercabut. Sampai sekarang my kuku kaki looks very ugly!!!! ‘Thanks’
to netball.

Se7en things I plan to do before I die:
1. Have lots of dutiful children
2. Have a beautiful bungalow with organic plants in my garden
3. Perform hajj and umrah
4. Skydive (ramai orang protest
part ni)
5. Take my parents to a trip around Europe or somewhere
6. Do a charity work
7. Ask for forgiveness from Allah and everyone I know

Se7en things I can do:
1. Make jokes (when I want to)
2. Impersonate most people accurately
3. Deliver a baby (kuang kuang kuang!)
4. Draw a portrait (only when I really, really, really determine to)
5. Be so friendly to the elderly that they’d want me to be their daughter
in-law (zaman belum kahwin dulu2. aku sendiri tak paham.)
6. Play volleyball (although I’ve lost most of my skills), handball, netball
(hate this), basketball
7. Carry a decent conversation with new people (if I want to)

Se7en things I can’t do:
1. Pretend to be nice to people that I really hate,
especially to hypocrite people
2. Smile when a doctor/nurse/dentist is trying to inject me
3. Boycott my hubby for more than 10 minutes
4. Remember all my relatives’ name and how are they related to me (as a result,
hari raya is always an awkward day for me)
5. Watch any of Razak Mohaideen’s movies (btw, isn’t it
inappropriate for him to use the "Prof. Madya" title outside of his
academic field? Hmm…)
6. Watch any of Yusof Haslam’s movies
7. Listen to stupid deejays yang perasan bagus

Se7en words I say the most:
1. Ya Allah!!!
2. Hah!
3. Apolah Adam ni…
4. Yang….
5. Argghh!! (usually dissertation-related)
6. Hello
7. Alaaa….

Se7en celeb crushes:
1. Colin Firth
2. Brad Pitt
3. Russell Crowe in Cinderella Man
4. Keanu Reeves
5. Nicholas Cage
6. Jude Law in Enemy at the Gates
7. Dougray Scott, the villain in Mission
Impossible 2 

Se7en people I’ll love to see doing this:
1. Suriati
2. Hezra
3. Suzanna
4. Salwani
5. Elly Selamat
6. Haryati
7. Musliza

My grandfather, Haji Abdul Rahman bin Mohamad passed away at 3.26pm on Friday, 28 October 2005 (24 Ramadhan 1426H). Beliau meninggal selepas hampir seminggu di Unit Rawatan Rapi, HUSM di Kota Bharu.

I was in KB earlier this Ramadhan. I never thought that it’d be the last time I see him well and very much alive. I remember bersalam dengan dia and I kissed his old but strong hands. I still consider myself lucky for being able to do that before he passed away. I also left my son in KB, so he’d be able to spend some time with his great grandfather.

My mom said in the morning on the day that he fell sick, my grandpa did some spring cleaning around my house and didn’t even bother to read the newspapers at all. My grandpa never missed reading the newspaper, and he’d have read it by noon in any ordinary day. My late grandpa was a police constable and he can never sit still without doing anything around the house. He was extremely cheerful on that day, according to my family and neighbours. By 6pm, he wanted to climb the stairs to throw some rat poisons but he fell. His body landed on the carpet, but his head missed it and landed on the tiles. He was immediately rushed to HUSM and my eldest sister, who’s a doctor, called me. My other sister and I decided to take a flight to KB the next day. By the time we arrived at HUSM, an operation was already done to remove blood clots from his brain. He remained in ICU and was in a coma until he died 5 days later. Tears fell down his cheeks on his last day. He knew that he was leaving us that day. We didn’t.

Although it is hard to swallow the fact that I no longer have a grandfather, it is consoling to know that he was in a jovial mood before leaving us, and he died on a good day in a good month. He was buried close to my late grandmother’s grave. The only regret that we had was that my late grandfather couldn’t see all his children and grandchildren gathered together when they learned that he was sick. Now, there are still some unresolved family issues but hopefully it will be worked out soon.

Please sedekah al-Fatihah to Haji Abdul Rahman bin Mohamad. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat Allah. Amin.