Dah sebulan my late grandpa meninggal dunia. I still feels like he’s still alive and just going somewhere else for a while. Still cry occassionally between typing out my dissertation.

A normal question that ppl would ask after losing someone we love is : "what would I do if that person is still around now?" And a very sad answer would include the word "many". So many things that i could have done, but i did not. Do I feel crushed? Yes, maybe I do. The lesson I’ve learnt is - always give your best, and do it now.

My dissertation is way past my due date, which was last month, just before my grandpa passed away. I’ve postponed its submission, twice.It has been a year since I’ve registered for my studies (yes my original term dah expired already), and another very important thing I’ve learnt along the way is not to stop doing my work when the ideas are flowing. Believe me, it doesn’t come too often. Rarely. And it does not help that those ideas choose to reveal itselves at last minute (like one day before the due date, duh!). I’ve always wondered that if I haven’t gone back to KB early puasa last month, I might have finished the chapter on time and won’t have to struggle to finish it, like now (it’s 3.20am in the morning). But that was the only time that Nazri could drive back to KB during puasa, so I guessed "why not?". As it turned out, it was probably the best decision I’ve ever made in my whole life. The fact that I was able to buka puasa with my late grandpa, kissed his hands before I went back to KL, and left Adam there to spend some time with my family including my late grandpa, gladdened me. Of course, there are many "if only" points lingering on my mind, but there is nothing that I can do to change that now. The best thing to do is to apply the "if only"s situations to my loved ones who are still around.

Yes, I have to work very hard just to finish this first draft of my fourth chapter, but the delay is worth it. The next chapter is due in December. It won’t be easy since the little menace will be around this time. Yup I’m picking him up (dgn my maid) this Friday, will be back on Sunday. Oh how Nazri and I miss Adam very much!!! Since I’ve discovered (another discovery,hhmmm..) that it is almost impossible to do my work when I can feel the aura of his existence around me, I have to relocate my computer and some materials from the living room to my bedroom, which is already a bit too crowded. I can’t put it in the guest room because the guest room is the guest room. No choice laa…

Another thing that I’m always wondering is what if I’ve chosen to go for the half coursework, half dissertation instead of doing this ‘crappy’ full dissertation??? Then, I discovered (a discovery, again)that I’ve taken a year to learn some useful things in order to do a dissertation. I wish I’ve known some of these useful stuff BEFORE I began my studies. Well, better late than never I guess. It is true though, that all these experiences will come very, very handy if I choose to do a Ph.D later, insya-Allah. Just pray that I pass my LLM, first. Takuuuutttnyer……